Wednesday, June 26, 2013

If anyone has ever wanted inside my is your chance.....

What is happy??? Can anyone really ever give anyone an accurate definition of that word?? I guess it all just depends on who you talk to. Of course there are aspects of my life that I am very happy with, and I wouldn't change a single thing about those aspects. My daughter being one of those things, that was a blessing in disguise, it was a moment that I wouldnt trade for the world and my life would never be the same without her in it. She has made me realize what an amazing person I really can be, and she makes me want to be nothing but better and the best that I can be for her. But of course, maybe its a parent thing, I never feel like I do enough for her, or that I am not doing what I need to, but then I look at her, and see that she is happy, and healthy and she loves me with all her heart and when your child looks at you, and says, "you are the best mommy ever and I love you so much", you cant help but melt.
And of course, Nathan, he is someone that has really taught me so many things about myself if more ways than I thought anyone ever could. He is so understanding and caring, and loves me and accepts me for me. Who I am, who I want to be, and the best thing about it all is that he is so supportive. He loves me with all my flaws and mistakes and everything in between. I can honestly say that I have never met anyone like him in my life. I thank him more than he knows for the things he has done for me.
But to get back to why I started this entry on such a negative note...I dont know what is going on with me lately, all the things aside that make me happy, I just dont feel good. I am mentally a mess, I feel like I could break at any moment, if it wasnt for the people in my life that I know I need, and they need me, I dont know where I would be or what I would be at this point. Certain people have "saved" me so to speak. I just always feel so lost lately, like no matter what I do to better myself and my way of life, it just keeps becoming a downward spiral and its a ride that I am tired of being on, and that I just want to end. Im almost tired of holding on at some points and just want to let go, but it is my daughter and family that keep me reminded that I cant let go. I could easily be a very easily persuaded person to follow the crowd and fall into bad habits, but I at least havent lost myself enough to do that. That at least lets me know that I am still somewhat sane. But I feel most of the time that I really dont know who I am anymore, or what I am. I feel that things are just not really going to get any better and I am trying to learn that I just have to deal with the hand that I have been given, no matter how hard I try or no matter what I do to make this life better, it just wont. Its like the world is against me at times. I start to get up from falling and it comes along and says I dont think so and kicks me down once again. I dont know how many more times I can be knocked down anymore.
No I am not writing this to try and start a pity party, or anything like that. Its what is in my head and if you don’t like what I have to say, then don’t read this, because honestly, I am not sure how much of the blogs that I will be writing the next few times will be very positive and upbeat ones. This will be my public diary and I don’t care who sees it or what they think of it. I just need to get this all out, and I cant talk about my feelings very well, I am better at writing or typing them.
So, with that said….Ive come to a point where I feel I have really hit a wall. Yes I have a healthy daughter, a job, a roof over my head, food to eat, family, and a man that loves me unconditionally, and I know I could have it much worse, and I have heard enough people say, to stop complaining about my life and to just be happy with what I have, but unless you are me and you don’t feel the way I feel in my head, heart and being, then you just don’t understand, and that is honestly the worse thing anyone could say to me.
I am so tired of hearing that over and over again. Praying doesn’t seem to work either, I have been doing my best to try and keep the faith and say over and over that things will get better, this is just a rough patch….well I am kinda done thinking that as well, because my rough patch has been going on for almost 10 years now…IM SO OVER IT!!!
So I am not looking for words of wisdom at this point, I need help. I am so tired of also putting myself out there for people all the time, and then when it comes to me, and needing help or anything, no one seems to have the time, or whatever their excuse is at that moment.
I need to feel that things will be ok, I have already considered seeking medical help for all that I am going through, and the sad thing about that, is that I cant afford it, but I feel that if I don’t get some kind of help soon, I will totally lose my mind all together, and the last thing I want to do, is push the small amount of the support system that I have left, is pushed away from me during all of this.
I just really don’t know what to do anymore. I am just noeryt a happy person and I am just finding myself in a very dark place most of the time. No suicide is NOT nor will it EVER be an option for me. That is not the way to solve anything, that is the cowards way of getting away from your problems, and running from them is not an option either, I am doing my best as a person to fight my issues head on, and it is putting such a toll on me, mentally and physically as well. And that is what is breaking me apart. I don’t know how much longer I can handle the stress, anxiety and uncertainty anymore, before I break in half.
I feel myself fading more and more everyday, and I have almost lost who I am totally. I don’t know who I am anymore. I know very little about myself anymore.
I just want to be able to be happy again, and truly enjoy and appreciate what I have in my life. I love Nathan more than he could ever imagine, and he is by my side no matter what and I know that he wont go anywhere and will help me do what ever it takes to get me through this very hard time in my life and I love him so much for that, because I know that I am probably not the most pleasant person to be around at times, where I am fine and smiling one second, and two seconds later, I am upset, off in another world mentally and then want to cry and curl up in a ball and just be alone. It must be exhausting for him, and I thank him for not letting me slip or fall away all the way. But he is amazing!!!
I just want off this ride….

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